Cain "Suspends" Campaign...And Should Suspend Whoever Decided to Use This Photo on His Website's Homepage

He looks like a poster child for Metamucil. "Herman Cain—He Will Cure This Nation of Constipation." I'm gonna start calling him HerMetamucil Cain.

By the way, I hate to say this, but his website is pretty good. But I do think that all political candidates should have a "Let's Get This Out of The Way" section (maybe just innocently titled "Miscellaneous") — where they basically disclose anything that will inevitably come out that will cause their campaign to tumble like a game of Jenga — so then they can own it when it comes up. Cain could have pics of all his mistresses, blog about the times he allegedly sexually harassed someone, and he can also talk about pizza. Now who wouldn't vote for a guy who blogs about pizza?!

Oh wait, that website picture is now beginning to make sense... too much cheese makes you constipated, duh.

Three Things I Learned From the Film "The Human Centipede"

1) Learn how to change a tire

2) If I'm ever drugged and tied up as one of three people who are about to be surgically attached mouth to butt, and I have the chance to escape, DO IT. Don't go back for my unconscious friend — go back through the woods, find a non-insane neighbor who will call the police, because scary surgeon guy probably won't be able to find a third person to complete his mad vision before I end up rambling into some stranger's home all freaked and bloody, even though I don't speak German.

3) The film "The Human Centipede" should've been called "The Human Centipoode."

Okay, I'm Back

Drained from a deadline that produced an amazing story that I'm actually proud of, the beginning of an ongoing process, an extended work of art and research and social change, I'll write about it soon.

I'm getting ready to leave town, time to really concentrate on my writing, and my comedy writing. Time to process my life by being away from it, and moving toward it at the same time. Time to put life's happenings into a form that will live on. Forever and ever. 21.

Stories like the little girl who I babysat today, who dropped her meatballs in her milk. And scooped them out. And ate them. And then drank the milk. And who makes me write things like this, to any of my friends who will listen and respond:

"Leah is an upside-down pineapple sitting in a tree. Rocking her big fat potato to sleep. Then she takes care of a bicycle that's upside-down on the ceiling and rides it upside-down and then says 'coocamanudi butt,' and then she puts kitty sunglasses on and sings 'Treasure cat, treasure cat...sitting in a tree' and then she tells herself a spooky story and then wraps rope around her head and it looks like a headband. And then she watches Alice in Wonderland and knocks off her nose. And that's the story of Leah's life."

Yes. Yes it is.

Your Official Laugh of the Day: Shaft Edition

Your Official Laugh of the Day

(I Didn't Door a Pedestrian)

I can't remember what I did yesterday. Today is Tuesday...oh, I went through more edits on my big story. I was sitting in my car, on the passenger side, so I could type on my laptop while on the phone. I'd left the coffee shop because I didn't want everyone overhearing my conversation. So top secret, right.

Then I saw a guy on a bike get doored by a guy wearing a suit, he had a real nice car, on Milwaukee Avenue. I watched the scene, and my editor asked if I needed to go out and help, but everything seemed to be taken care of. He told me to be careful not to door anyone. I told him that I was sitting on the passenger side, so if anything, I might accidentally door a pedestrian.

My Gramma's New Word For "Driveway"

So I was driving Gram back from the ear doctor and she wanted to stop at Jewel, so I attempt this majestically magnificent maneuver from the far right lane to the left-hand turn lane, but alas, the traffic gods were perhaps busy getting people to the hospital instead of the grocery store that day.

No problem. "There's a runway up there," Gram says. A runway? Oh, a driveway.

Maybe one day they'll be called runways, when "Back to the Future" is no longer the stuff of the silver screen. By the way, have you seen this goof in "Back to the Future III"? Of the little kid pointing to his wee-wee in one of the shots?

Hey, we all gotta go sometimes, even pee wee wee-wee-pointing time travelers.



[UPDATE: So I Googled "driveway" and "runway" after posting this (of course) and found this Facebook page titled "I'm from Kilmarnock and I say 'runway' instead of driveway.'" Maybe my gramma is actually Scottish instead of Polish and has been lying to us all these years.]