One Reason To Go Rent a Jackhammer

Or would that imply that I don't "like" it?

Tin Man Fire Hydrant

"Just give me some oil and few twists, and watch my heart juices flow. Sorry no poppies here, move along."

The Pied Piper Was a Kidnapper. But a Shrewd Businessman.

So in my previous blog, you'll notice how I gorged myself on some twisted form of pepperoni pizza, and alliteratively enlisted Peter Piper in the headline ("Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pepperoni Pizza Pretzels...").

So it's weird that later that night, when I was babysitting, the first story one of the girls picked was the Pied Piper. Maybe I'm looking too much into this slight connection, but let me tell you, this story of the Pied Piper wasn't how I remembered it, and I think holds a lesson for all of us pipe smokers, I mean, pipe players in the Game of Life (yes, there's a SpongeBob Squarepants edition).



Sure, the Pied Piper gets called into town because the rats are running the place and biting babies and eating cats and dogs — and yes, he gets rid of the rats by playing a tune on his pipe and getting them to follow him to the river where they jump in and drown like acid-tripping lemmings.

But see, then the Mayor and his Council refuse to pay him the thousand "guilders" they had promised. So what does the shrewd Pied Piper do? He starts playing a tune, all the children in the town start following him, and he leads them into some secret door in the side of a hill into some magical land where they are supposedly super-happy for the rest of their lives (there's probably a lot of pizza and Xboxes) and their parents never see them again.

The town keeps trying to send messages to the Piper that they'll pay him even more than they had agreed on, but the Piper either never gets the message or couldn't give a rat's ass (I'm thinking the latter). There are various endings to this story I guess, some a little more gruesome than others.

Moral of the story? If someone gets rid of the grodiness in your life, pay them at least what you told him you would. Unless you don't like kids.

Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pepperoni Pizza Pretzels...

...and gave them to me. In my daydream. Thanks PP (imaginary fist bump).

I Saw Bill Cosby, and Then I Downloaded His App. Well, First I Watched the Funny Video About It.

So yes, I'm in LA, and I got the chance to be in the audience for "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" the day I got here. Leno came out before the show in jeans and a denim button-down to take pics with some audience members, like this black guy named Cosby (no joke, unless Cosby was lying, that would be funny, ha ha, funny joke Cosby, show me your ID!).

Anyways, the Bill Cosby was a guest and I kind of punched the arm of this dude next to me I was so excited. I grew up with "The Cosby Show" (link to one of my fave show moments here), my dad loves him, and Bill Cosby reminds me of my dad in some ways — the patterned sweaters stretched out over a perfectly round paunch, and a hearty laugh.

Mr. Cosby had his pseudo-stern humor about him during the show — like when we applauded when Leno announced that he was 74 and Cosby just looked out at us like, why are you laughing, and goes into a joke about how we're basically applauding that he's closer to death. Funny, because he was there promoting his book, "I Didn't Ask To Be Born: (But I'm Glad I Was)."

When I got back to where I'm staying, I freaked to my housemate about getting to see Bill Cosby and she said, "Have you seen his app?" Excuse me, what? A (free) Bill Cosby app? He spoke of no such thing! And then she followed with: "The video of him talking about the app is even funnier."

And so it was. One of my favorite parts is when he's talking about the different ways you can download the app and ends with: "..and the berry of my people — the BlackBerry."

The Accidental Gang Sign

So I was walking down Sunset Boulevard, headed to be in the audience for "Let's Make a Deal" (Little-Mermaid-aerobics-instructor costume in tow) and a bus stopped near me, and this blond-haired girl toppled out wearing a floppy black canvas hat. A smile burst on her face and she flashed me a peace sign — a bold and vertically old-school 1960s "this has the power save your life sister" one, reminiscent of an upside-down Eiffel Tower.

I was so startled and wanted to return the favor, show her that I was down with her peace-iness. So I smiled back and quick went to do my own peace sign, but because of how I was holding my bag, it somehow ended up looking like this upside-down peace sign, it was very gangster.

I posted this instance on Facebook, because isn't that what you do after something like that happens?

A colleague of mine who'd grown up on the far South Side of Chicago commented, "We need to show you some real gang signs now!" I Googled "gang signs," and happened upon a photo gallery on the Huffington Post called "White People Throwing Gang Signs." These are my peeps, I suppose. I've now become inspired to start a gang called the Honkie Crocs and this little girl is my first recruit. This will be our trademark "Throwin the Croc, Rar!"

Chopknives!

This is what happens when I order the stir fry at a family diner. Terminator Leah, meet red pepper.