The Facebook "Like" Button, Part 1

If someone posts that their gramma died, and they write how wonderful a person she was, and you "like" it — I hate that it seems like you're "liking" that their gramma just died, even though you're really "liking" the undertones of the post, which is that she was a really great person and your friend was happy to have her in her life, and hopefully she was ready to die and peaceful and all that. Facebook should add another button, or buttons, like a "THAT BLOWS I'M SORRY" button.

Urban Dunebuggy

VROOM VROOM!

New Approach to Back Hair Removal?

Click on the photo to learn more!

You Gotta Have Faith. Unless She's a Stripper Who's Sleeping With Your Husband.

I was waiting to cross Sunset Boulevard, on my way to the money order place, because I got my first parking ticket in LA ($68 for streetcleaning!!!) using someone else's car. Bark on my head! — as I used to say as a pre-teen, don't ask me why. I even painted a dog's head and mouth on the top of my bedroom's doorway so when you passed under it, it looked like a dog was actually barking on your head.

Anyways. So the light was red, and a matronly woman wearing 3D glasses and a backpack underneath her blue rain poncho was standing there, her brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. I pressed the walk button.



"I already pressed it!"
And I laughed and said, "I always press it more than once because it totally makes the light turn faster right?!"
"Right," she said and smiled.
"I have faith," I said.
"That's good," she said. "I don't."

I was mid-giving-her-sadface when my new back-pregnant friend smiled and said, "I got rid of her. Faith was a stripper who was sleeping with my husband."
"Oh!" I exclaimed and laughed.
"I got rid of Hope too!"

I started to ask about Charity, but Charity had obviously been spared — 3D-Poncho-Backpack Lady broke up the monotony of my day, making dropping $68 not totally suck frozen meatballs. "I'm glad I could make you smile," she said, and she headed to waste time on Sunset before picking up her daughter from school.

"OMG, DON'T JUMP!"

I believe I actually did yell that at the cat.

Would You Attack Me If I Was Wearing This Hoodie?

Introducing, the Anti-Hoodie. An attacker won't be able to tell your gender or race and will be totally scared away by the scary face with very sharp teeth. (Note: Eye holes not included. By BAPE.)

Sour-Liquid Tampon Drops

I posted this Instagram photo to my Facebook and wrote: "Are sour liquid drops really up there with tampons when it comes to bathroom vending necessities?" The first comment was from my sister's friend Brent who said: "Sure...one stops liquid drops and the other provides liquid drops." To which I replied: "Maybe they're for when ladies get that 'not so fresh' feeling."

I Bet Batman Drives This On His Off Days

Emoticon for Double-Chin Smile, With Double Drool

:))~~

Giving Cash When You Don't Have It, A Real-Life Story

When I'm low on cash I still try to give something to someone in need — it seems to encourage the circle of cash flow. But how do you choose who to give to with so many homeless on the streets of Los Angeles? While every instance is different, here's one of my stories.

I spotted a short and gray-bearded man in a dirty, torn white T-shirt standing at a 101 off-ramp in Echo Park. He didn't approach me, but stood there, looking at me, hands together like he was praying, and mouthing, "Please, please, please." I found myself grinning, thinking to myself that that's probably what I would be doing if I was ever forced onto the street, and had to ask for money. Like how I used to get down on my hands and knees and scoot into the TV room with my friend Natalie when we wanted to ask my mom if we could do something, like go buy candy at White Hen, and we would kneel there in front of her repeating, "Pleasies, pleasies, pleasies..." and she would laugh. Gotta add some humor in, right, make people feel like they're getting something for their money (or permission), even if it's just a smile. For instance, I always try to give to this one guy downtown who holds up the sign, "SAME OLD SHIT."

The bearded man in the torn white T-shirt also reminded me of a man who goes to my gramma's church in Chicago, who designs and prints these awesome Christian-themed T-shirts and sweatshirts that he wears to Sunday Mass. For instance, this one below.




Anyways, I pulled out one of three dollar bills in my wallet — the only money I had in addition to the 54 cents in my bank account — and went to hand it to him and he held out his styrofoam cup, caked with dirt on the inside. As I carefully maneuvered the dollar into the cup, he smiled at me and said, "Happy birthday!" and turned to walk away. And I smiled.

What I really want to do is set up a foundation of some sort, sponsor a master plan, that explores how to construct a social services network to better serve the homeless, and then make that happen.

Smurfhenge

The kids were playing — a smattering of Smurfs! This formation infers that the Smurfs were perhaps a polygamist or cloning society originally. Until the meteors hit.

Introducing: The Star Wars Tusken Raider Fire Hydrant

I saw this little guy in the Los Angeles neighborhood of Tatooine — oops, I mean Eagle Rock. Funny because I saw it as I was walking around, waiting to go babysit, having gotten there early, and it was right near the Rose Bowl Motel where I'd stayed a couple nights the week before. The Tusken Raiders, who live on the planet Tatooine, are a warrior nomadic race. I am quite the nomad currently. I'm working on the warrior part. Since I just saw a girl get her purse snatched, I should arm myself. I think this rifle will do. Stay tuned.

Whitney Houston's 90-Year-Old Fan Has Mad Dance Moves

As noted in my previous blog post, my first 7-inch record was Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)" and my gramma — who just turned 94 — said to me at the time about the cover art: "Why do we have to see her underwear?" (even though we can't see her underwear), and I talk about how I would make up rad dance moves to the song as an 8-year-old.

Anyhoo, my friend Sara posted this amazing video of a rad gram getting down to the song, and I can only hope I have this much soul in my bones at this age. And that I manage to perfect my dance moves to this level.

My First 7" Record? Yes, It Was Whitney Houston.

I can't remember who bought it for me, maybe it was my mom — I have memories of her dancing around our first house, belting out the lyrics to "Cecilia" by Simon & Garfunkel, as it played on our record player. Looking back, I did the same thing with this record. I played "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)" over and over again, dancing around the house, making up my own moves, sliding across the shiny wooden floors in my socks.

I don't know where this 7" is now, I think it's in my parent's garage. But that cover is very well-worn, from much putting-record-in-and-out action. I remember showing it to my gramma when I first got it. She looked at it kind of skeptically, and said something like, "Why do we have to see her underwear?" Of course, we can't see her underwear, but it was kind of racy cover art for an 8-year-old to have at the time maybe, at least in my mind. I think that's why I liked it. Whitney Houston was sexy and confident. How a woman who was so talented and beautiful somehow felt so void of love is sad, and that she stuck it out in an abusive relationship, fell into drugs as a crutch.



While Whitney apparently didn't write this song (that was George Merrill and Shannon Rubicam of Boy Meets Girl), I wonder how much input she had on it. It seems to sum up the emptiness that cloaked her life. As an adult looking back on this portrait and the real lyrics of this single (all I heard as a kid was "I wanna dance with somebody") — the vibe of the two just don't match up. A portrait of a sexy and confident woman, who's ready to take on the world, and a song about the blues and fighting the depths of loneliness. This single was released in 1987, supposedly two years before she met Bobby Brown, who many say dragged her to further depths from which she never quite recovered.

Clock strikes upon the hour/ And the sun begins to fade/ Still enough time to figure out/ How to chase my blues away

I've done alright up to now/ It's the light of day that shows me how/ And when the night falls, loneliness calls

Oh, wanna dance with somebody/ I wanna feel the heat with somebody/ Yeah I wanna dance with somebody/ With somebody who loves me

I've been in love and lost my senses/ Spinning through the town/ Sooner or later the fever ends/ And I wind up feeling down/ I need a man who'll take a chance/ On a love that burns hot enough to last/ So when the night falls/ My lonely heart calls.

The night ending up taking her. RIP Whitney. I'm sorry you felt so down, you didn't deserve to feel like that, no one does. Thanks for the dance memories and inspiration. Here's a link to some of the tributes to Whitney at the Grammys last night. And here's the site for the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE).

P.S. I love this performance of Whitney singing "The National Anthem," such a confident energy, I wish the energy here would have carried her through.

Picture Frame? Necklace? Secret Ninja Weapon?

All of the above, that is correct.

Spotted this gem in the window of the vintage-y Luxe de Ville boutique in Echo Park, which never seems open, but looks pretty amazing from my drool-soaked sidewalk encampment.

Brrrr, Trees Get Cold Too

See, it does get cold in LA at night, just ask the trees. Hey, I really like those colors, where did you get that??

RIP John Pennycuff, Gay Rights Activist and Great Guy

Two legends have died in recent days here in LA — artist Mike Kelley and "Soul Train" creator/host Don Cornelius. Since I came to LA from Chicago two months ago, two legendary people, in their own rights, have died from my hometown. The first was artist Lee Groban. The second is a man named John Pennycuff — a gay rights activist, community builder, and all-around nice person and energy-sender. His memorial is currently happening in Chicago at the Jaeger Funeral Home, 3526 N Cicero, until 9pm.

Before midnight last night I saw an email newsletter from 35th Ward Alderman Rey Colon in my inbox. Knowing that John normally sent those out, I sadly opened it, knowing that I would read a tribute from Ald. Colon:

—

I was deeply saddened by the news that John Pennycuff passed away last Sunday January 29, 2012. He was 47 years-young and a life-long resident of Logan Square. John was educated at Monroe Elementary, Taft High School, Badger High School in Lake Geneva and Columbia College. John was made aware of a serious illness only a few short months ago. I met both John and his now husband Robert Castillo in the late 90's after I was first approached by local residents to run for alderman. John and Robert both grilled me on Gay, Lesbian and Transgender issues of which at the time, I knew nothing. I credit them both for educating me and always making sure that my decisions were inclusive of everyone. I sincerely appreciate the unconditional support they both have given me throughout the years.

This Windy City Times article released on the day of his passing lists many of John's accomplishments and affiliations including: The Mayor's Advisory Council on LGBT Issues, Queer Nation Chicago Member, Windy City Media Group's Office Manager, ACT UP Volunteer and the 2003 Induction into the Chicago Gay and Lesbian Hall of Fame to name a few. John was a Unity Park Advisory Council volunteer. He coordinated the Logan Square Farmer's Market for the Chamber of Commerce. John also maintained the 35th Ward Website and was responsible for sending out this very Newsletter each week.

My heart is heavy because John was a good friend who I will dearly miss. For those who never knew him, John Pennycuff was the nicest man you could ever hope to meet. He was the model, non-violent activist who quietly but effectively served the communities he loved through action more than words.

—

I interviewed John Pennycuff and his partner/husband Robert Castillo a handful of times over the years; they were the neatest couple — not just a neat gay couple — but a neat couple because they were partners not just in life, but for social justice. One piece I did for Time Out Chicago in 2005 was about the work that John did advising Mayor Daley on the issues of the gay community in Chicago as a member of the city's Advisory Council on Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Issues. Here is an excerpt:

—

John Pennycuff, a member of the advisory board since 1999, married his partner in San Franciso in 2004, a union that has since been legally revoked (they’ll be framing, not cashing the refund check). Pennycuff says that the group of LGBT advocates has had a big effect on Mayor Daley, who has voiced his support of gay marriage in recent years. “Before, he said just ‘gay and lesbian,’ but now he says ‘gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender,’ which is big,” Pennycuff says. “And at the reception he sees people with their kids—and he loves kids—and I think that has a big impact on him.”

—

You will be missed John. Rest in peace.

My Head Hurts

I think it might have been that medicinal Jolly Rancher. It amazes me the state of GOING to places and inspiring people to GO and what happens if you don't GO, and if they don't GO, and you should GO, and can we GO already, let's get things GOING...

Legendary Lowrider Soul DJ Night in LA. Tonight! Check It.

So I'm in Los Angeles, and my bros Dave Mata and Steven LaGroue are in from Chicago, and they're DJ-ing a slew of nights, including the notorious Funky Sole at the Echo this Saturday, which grows a line so long you'd think there's some "American Idol: Soul Train" in the works.

But the show to go to is tonight, Friday, at this place called Los Globos in Silver Lake (3040 W Sunset Blvd, 10pm, $3), which I can only describe as a gritty maze of glowing colors, like if an acid trip flashed you back to your gramma's living room — and that room had a suit of armor in it. But check out this sick line-up, these guys will be spinning rare and classic sweet soul sounds, adopted as "lowrider jams" or "gangster oldies" by the fine folks of East LA.

Ruben Molina
Author of "The Old Barrio Guide to Low Rider Music" and "Chicano Soul: Recordings & History of an American Culture." So the guy who wrote the book(s) on lowrider music — literally — will be there DJ-ing.

Andy Noble
Founding bassist of Kings Go Forth, this 10-piece powerhouse of a soul orchestra from Milwaukee. The stage drips with soul when these guys perform.

E Da Boss
Lead singer of Myron & E, former Blackalicious DJ, and current Stones Throw recording artist.

Scott Craig
Notorious vinyl collector who used to manage Reckless Records in Wicker Park, founded Detroit's legendary Funk Night party, and now owns Records LA, a SoCal store known for the quality of its rare 45s.

Dave Mata/Steven LaGroue (aka Impala Sound)
These two helped build Chicago's monthly free soul dance party, Soul Summit, into one of the slickest dance parties the Double Door has ever seen. And they run an artist/show space called Impala. And they have a lot of records. And they're just nice guys, say hi.

Can you find the suit of armor below? (And the first picture below is of the same bar above, the colors change! Nerd.) Seriously though check this out tonight, I will be there. Los Globos in Silver Lake, 3040 W Sunset Blvd, 10pm, $3.

The Pinnacle of Child Safety Contraptions

I was psyched that the Beverly Center bathrooms had these handy contraptions so that I could safely secure my baby while I used the facilities. If I lost my baby — if she crawled out underneath the door while I was dropping a deuce, and someone scooped her up — I would just die.

More Pictures: Stylist Brad Goreski VS. Brad Majors From Rocky Horror Picture Show

"I call this look, From Brad Majors' Bedroom to Professional Vroom-Vroom."—Stylist Brad Goreski

Ginormous Gummi Bear or Sex Toy? You Decide.

Can I Bring a PC Into the Apple Store to Get Fixed?

Of course not, right? So why, when I walked into the Apple Store today holding my laptop — and told the guy that I had a One-To-One appointment for GarageBand — did he say to me: "For your Mac?"

No, for my banana.

Stylist Brad Goreski's Inspiration: Brad Majors from Rocky Horror Picture Show...?

I know this is a stretch for most of the population — a reality-show stylist (the former assistant of Rachel Zoe) and dip into a 1975 fringe film — but if you get this comparison, leave me a comment, you are one of my new best friends.

Brad Goreski should have Barry Bostwick, who played Brad Majors, as a guest on his "It's a Brad, Brad World" show...and then it would truly be "Brad, Brad"!

Contemporary Balloon Animal Art

I call this "Forlorn Poodle, Lost But Not Forgotten."

What Would Happen if You Bred a Skunk and a Dalmatian?

My bike is locked to a pole across town, I pray it's still there, I'm sorry bike (I have yet to name you, waiting for inspiration). I'm sure I'll be back in your saddle soon, but at the moment I'm very fortunate to have use of a car, a cream-colored Acura named Roxy, with tinted-just-enough windows, I'm holding auditions for a posse, we'll scream at the top our lungs the song I'm writing for the Beastie Boys, "Check Your Email."

I parked it on a hill in Echo Park before heading into a house that I sometimes imagine is like the one I'll live in one day — with bright patches of art, animal prints, art books, and Oscars screeners. And gilded Nike high-tops. And a leather wall phone. And Elvis sheets. And two beautiful outdoor areas littered with sunlight and Birds of Paradise and cordless phones.

So I was sitting in the driver's seat and I spotted a skunk just milling about by this fence, right in the daylight. And right after that I saw a Dalmatian. Ah, my black-and-white-furred brethren. What would happen if you bred? Could you? Would you? We could have a Skulmation Nation! And get our own line of skateboards! Because that would be a good name for a line of skateboards.

P.S. Click on that photo

A Little Boy's Reflection on a Tree Stump

Little Boy Looking at Tree Stump: What happened to the tree?
Me: Maybe the tree was sick, so they had to cut it down.

LBLATS: What happened to the tree?
Me: Well...maybe the people in that house wanted more sun, so they cut the tree down and had someone take it away.

LBLATS: What happened to the tree?
Me: Ummm...maybe it got blown down in a storm.

LBLATS: What happened to the tree?
Me: Welllll. Ummmm. Hmm. Maybe the tree was about to fall down onto the people's house, so they had someone come and cut it down and take it away.

LBLATS: What happened to the tree?
Me: I don't know.

(Then)

Me: What do you think happened to the tree?
LBLATS: (Holding a little rubber airplane, zooming it through the air) My airplane flew into it and knocked it down!

Random Days

I stood in front of a girl with Down Syndrome, speaking in scant Swedish to me, as she tried to forge past and toward a road in the Hollywood Hills, notorious for cars and motorcycles that veer fast and out of nowhere on its narrow ways. I watched as kids painted red the blades of their stick swords — taped together with black electrical tape, one stick as the blade, one as the hilt. Saw a man in an electrical wheelchair crossing the street, a furry spotted rocking horse in his lap. A loft party with a Malamute named Dude, a Dachshund in a backpack.

Driving back from the Comedy Store, saw a car flipped on its side and smoking, young kids with blank faces sitting on the curb nearby. Going to a taping of a Super Bowl commercial in Long Beach, there's supposed to be a car stunt, but I don't think a crash or explosion. I need to clean my ears and can't find any Q-Tips. On the TV, the pigs want to go surfing, and when they're disappointed they say things like, "Oh Thunderbugs!"

Tales From the Finger-Toenail Crypt

So I rented "Jennifer's Body" one of the raddest horror films of all time, the name riffs off the Hole song, it's written by Diablo Cody, and also directed by a woman, Karyn Kusama — one notable quote is when Megan Fox gets stabbed and moans, "Do you have a tampon...?"

So anyways, I had taken a photo of the toenails of this little boy I babysit for, and as I was watching the film later that night, noticed that Fox's fingernail paintjob was like...the same?! I hope this little boy isn't a demon. I know he's not, he's actually the perfect angel, and fun as hell, we spent a whole day with a dialogue that went something like this:

Boy: I'm sleepwalking...now I'm sleeptickling you...
Me: I'm sleepdrooling...
Boy: I'm sleepkaratechopping...
Me: I'm sleepdancing...
Boy: I'm sleepfarting...
Me: I'm sleeprunningaway...

Driving in the Land of a Million Flakes

When you pull off the highway going 60+ mph you can't expect that there will be any lights to shine your path or signs to tell you to slow the fuck down so that you don't crash at the 90-degree turn. But I do think that those little reflector lane things are more raised out here, screaming to riders in the narrow channels that they're out of line, speeding up and down the hilly highways, I've never experienced my ears popping driving through a city on such a regular basis.

Found a rad indie video store called Cinephile in West LA, near an indie-type theater that's playing Cronenberg's newest, I rented Videodrome, Up in the Air and Jennifer's Body. Chatted with one of the desk guys about Young Adult. I made a cocktail with peach liqueur and Diet Dr Pepper the other day and it was like sipping the alcoholic molasses from a peach tree if such a thing existed in Heaven. Reading "Just Kids" by Patti Smith. Ran away to NYC when she was 20. Thirty is the new 20.

Making Time For "Real" Writing

I have been away again! Because blogging on here gets so frickin addicting, and I'll sit and do it all day and not concentrate on the writing that will more immediately bring me dollars to my pocketless pants — wait, and I'm not wearing a bra, underwear or shoes at the moment either, shit where am I gonna put the dollars?!?!?!

Moving on. Oh, I went to the Rose Bowl. University of Wisconsin-Madison, my alma mater, played. And lost. But damn, it was a good game and I had this hot dog thing afterwards, drunk in the dark in the parking lot, this Latina lady asked what I wanted on it and I told her to just do it up, and she smothered this white cream stuff on it and I'm still wondering what it was... leaving that dirty thought in your head for now, more later.

(P.S. But seriously, do you think it was mayonnaise maybe, like they do for elotes?!?! Man, that shit was good.)